And so, the year ends.

It feels very liberating to not have plans for the big 31st night. No resolutions either.  No pressure to force yourself to do something cool. To meet friends and welcome the new year in style. Drunk.

I was, until last year, one of those. I whined and cried about not having a 'happening' New Year's eve. The man had to hear endless grumbling of how my life had changed after marriage and how my life had irrevocably changed after Mishmash was born. This year strangely, there are no emotions brewing. I find myself at peace with life and everything around me. And this year I have consciously chosen not to draft resolutions. Let me just live 2012 one day at a time, and give each day all my love and energy.

And to all of you, have a blessed 2012.

Woh kagaz ki kashti, woh barish ka paani...

Majidi's Song of Sparrows brought me back to this space. I needed to be moved in a deep way to write. I had to be urged fervently and persuasively.

The film like Majidi's other's evokes a sense of void. A void in our lives and the way you (we) are living it. Devoid of little nothings that actually make a life worth living. I look at my 5 year old and feel  guilty for giving her a life that's so forgetful - or so I think. I'm sure she'll have her memories. But not as good as mine. And I feel almost remorseful about living in a city like Singapore.  Nothing against the city- but you know, the experiences she is having vis-a-vis what I had are so disconnected. I know its unfair to compare her childhood with mine - we are a generation apart. Still, how redundant can climbing Guava trees and chasing butterflies get? 

Part of the problem lies in the parenting styles. My mother never bothered with what I was up to when I stepped out. It was not a matter of trust- it was just plain aloofness. What can a kid do outdoors? Play? pretend-destroy plants? Demolish a few sand castles? Catch worms? Pick up a fight with another kid? Snakes were regular visitors in our gardens- but she knew they don't just come to get you, a la Nagina. I spotted ALL the snakes in our garden and alerted my parents - including a Cobra. I was not allowed in the garden for 2 days. Once the fear subsided, ma let us out again. 

My point is- to get Mishmash to play- I have to call 10 mums, arrange for a 'play-date', think about her picnics, fix timings to pick up and drop. I don't understand this style. I dislike it to the extent that I don't call and do these things as much as Mishmash would like it. I let Mishmash just play with whoever she finds in the play area. I'd like her to have her own experiences than me play-writing them for her. Let her encounter her demons, fight them herself. This over-parenting style is not my style at all. But i'm getting more and more coerced into following it, only to make her happy. 

Saddens me to see her with I-pads and watching her play in 'protected play areas', with me watching over her all the time. Not done. I'd much rather have her closer to nature with a set of wild kids going on their own adventures. 

 I think the only way I can do that is by introducing my native place to her- my village Kanachchanda.

Magar mujhko lauta do bachpan ka sawan...